Die to self

Today during my quiet time I was so aware of the fact that I have allowed Jesus to be the savior of my soul, but I have not allowed him to be the Lord of my life. I am the lord of my life. My life is pretty much about me....what I want to do, what I feel like doing, what would be good for me. I realized it has been awhile since I have done something for others. OK, so I have kids and a husband and of course do things for them. And my work is pretty much about serving others. But the truth be known about work is that I probably do it for the "me" factor involved. I get to say "I work at the hospital. I'm a Child Life Specialist. blah, blah." Are my motives to love others, to serve others. Sometimes maybe. I want my life to be a reflection of Jesus' love for us. I want him to love others through me. But I have to learn to get over myself to do this. I am having a hard time with that. How can I live for him when it is still pretty much about me?I've been talking with him lately about my "Me" issues. I know he can do a work in me and have him be the larger part of me. But I also know that I have a part in that equation. Less of me + more of Jesus = goodness. We have such a short time in the world and if I am here to do the purpose he has me here for....I need to get busy with "Him" and not so busy with "me". Make sense?

A great day in LA

I am sitting in my sisters apartment in LA. She is getting ready to go to work and I am going to spend the day walking around LA visiting friends and family. I am having a great time here. I like going on vacation because if gives me a new perspective. It also makes me appreciate my usual perspective as well. We had an amazing day yesterday welcoming 130 marines and sailors back from Afghanistan. It was a beautiful moment to watch. There were men meeting their babies for the first time. I am glad I was there to share that awesome moment. It is so good to have my brother back in the states. I have such a wonderful family. I am so lucky. Today I get to walk around and see some friends that I have not seen in about 10 years. We are literally going to walk around Beverly Hills visiting people. I am so blessed. I love my family here but miss my family back home. Mike, Zoe, Jackson, Cole....I hope you are reading this. Know that I love you and miss you!! You are not here in body but you are here with me in my heart. And Max...Zowie dog says "Woof".

I hope everyone has a great day. I will post pictures when I get home.
Melissa

Last day of the fast

So today is the last day of my sleep fast. It has been a good time to get up and have some time focusing on God. I know there is so much about God that I do not know, and so many questions that I do not have the answers for. But I do know that God is so powerful and can do amazing things through me if I just let him. I am realizing more and more all the time how much I have to stay in the present moment with everything in my life. I can't focus on the past and my mistakes because that just leads to guilt or regret. I can't focus too much on the future because that will just lead to anxiety. I want to be so "present" in every moment so I can listen for God and follow his lead. There was a quote in the devotional that I liked:
     A man can no more take in a supply of grace for the future than he can eat enough for the next six months, or take sufficient air into his lungs at one time to sustain life for a week. We must draw upon God’s boundless store of grace from day to day, as we need it. —D. L. Moody
Grace is just God's ability working through us. I am choosing to trust that God will give me everything I need in every moment. I found another quote that Zoe had posted on her blog yesterday. It is a really great one that I want to share with you also:
     "To the world you are one person, but to one person you could mean the world."


Don't know who said it, but I thought it was a good one. I hope you all have an amazing day. I have enjoyed writing my blog. I will keep it up, but probably not everyday. I love getting comments and feedback so feel free to write something :)

Day 20 - One more day

Todays' post will be short. Each day's devotional from the website has a bible reading section and a prayer focus section. Today's prayer focus was very good.

Prayer Focus: What has caused you to shrink back in your expectation of what God wants to do in your life? Are you ready to be expanded beyond recognition? That’s what God’s new wine will do in and through you. Pray that the Lord will expand your life to glorify Him, giving you boldness to step out and be used by Him.

My prayer through this entire fast is that I will have a new vision from God. A clear direction with a purpose and meaning. I know God will show me that. 

Day 19 - Jesus

Today's reading is Matthew 7.  Almost the entire chapter is Jesus speaking to a crowd of people. So much spoke to me in this chapter. 1st thing, "Do not judge .....why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?...take first the plank out of your own eye and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." I am so guilty of judging others.  Dictionary.com defines "judge" as to form a judgement or opinion of: decide upon critically. I do this a lot. I am see someone doing something and will form an opinion about why they are doing that and then be critical. I have no right to do that. First, we have NO idea all the things going on in people's lives. So we really have no clue as to why they do the things they do. I feel Jesus clearly says here to work on my own issues, then I will be able to "remove the speck from" others eyes. Help others for their benefit.
Next thing in the chapter that spoke to me was verse 7, "Ask and it will be given to you: seek and you will find: Knock and the door will be opened to you;". It goes on to say in vs. 9 "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?...If you know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him." I have 3 amazing children. Financially we can't give them everything they want, but inside we sure want to give them everything. YOu just love your kids no matter what and want the best for them. Why do we not see God that way all the time? I as a parent, want so much to provide for my kids. God looks at us that way. He wants to provide for us, give us what we want and need. Your children may do things to make you mad or upset, but usually it is just things that could hurt them or others. Parents truly want the best for their kids. God absolutely feels the same about us. If I just spent time thinking about that and "knowing" that in my heart and soul, life could be so different. I know it in my heart, but my head may say different sometimes. Today I'm feeling it and it's going to be a good day! I hope you all have a great day.
Love you,
Melissa

day 18 - No worries

"Philipians 4:6  "Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and definite requests, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God."


Today's devotional was all about worry. It spoke very loud to me. I went to bed last night but stayed awake worrying. I am going to California next week because my brother is getting home from Afghanistan. He is a officer in the Marine Corp and has been gone for 7 months.  My mind was preoccupied with a million things racing through it last night. I always get nervous to fly even though I have flown a million times. And that was not even the biggest worry at all. I used to live in Los Angeles so I have several friends that I want to see. It has been 10 years since I was last in LA, 10 years since I have seen some of my friends. For all you math people, I will give you the equation for my worry: 
        10 years + 2 pregnancies + 30 pounds later + insecurities = stay up late with worry


My body is still in Alabama but my mind is already in Los Angeles hearing the made up voices of my friends saying, "Melissa has gained weight. She doesn't look as good as she did. She doesn't take care of herself." A woman and her struggle with weight. It is a daily issue that turns into a life issue. But here is the deal, when I was 30 lbs lighter 10 years ago I still had the same voices that spoke negative to me. Then they said, "You're not as thin as these other girls. You would be prettier if you lost weight." I was on the same mission to lose weight then. So I have got to change my thoughts abut my body. Acceptance is the key. Loving me no matter what. Some days I have no issues with loving myself. Somedays are harder then others. When my focus becomes on what others think, I begin to worry. I would like to say that when I read Philipians 4:6 this morning,  "Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and definite requests, with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants known to God." that I immediately stopped the worrying and anxious feelings. But in reality, after reading this my "prayer and definite requests" became "Lord thank you that I will lose 40 pounds my next week." Not the best focus. So that is my "being real" for the day.

Love you,
Melissa

Day 17 - quotes

Todays reading was from Genesis 17. God had already promised Abraham a son. But lots of time passed and still no son. I love this one part in verse 17. God had just spoke to Abraham and said it was going to be through Sarah, Abraham's wife that he would have his son. I love "real" people, people not afraid to show who they are...faults and all. Maybe this is why I like this part in 17, "Abraham fell facedown, he laughed and said to himself,  'Will a son be born to a man 100 years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of 90?'" Abraham had just been reminded of the promise God had given him earlier...that he and Sarah were going to have a son, and all he could do was laugh. "You're going to do WHAT God? Yeah right." Sometimes God may speak to us and say "this is what I am going to do through you." And sometimes our only response is to laugh and say "yeah right". But in those times, it is important to remember what Jesus said in Luke 18:27,  “What is impossible with man is possible with God.” I pray we all believe God for something big today. 


On a more random note, I LOVE great quotes! So here are a few that speak to me :)


" What is impossible with man is possible with God."
-Jesus


"I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else."
— C.S. Lewis


"If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world."
— C.S. Lewis

Day 16 - Pass it on

Today's bible reading from the devotional on the awake21.org website was Psalms 3-6. I really enjoy reading the Psalms. But this morning, the devotional itself spoke to me more than the bible reading. A line in the devotional says this:


"When it comes to the transforming power of God working in someone’s life, God often uses people to bring about divine life-change."

God uses people, me and you, to help other people. I don't think that means we have to give and give and give and become all things for all people. But I do think it means that God puts a desire, a thought, an idea on our heart to help someone and we chose to act or not. I am almost 37 years old and I still remember when I was about 21 years old working at Service Merchandise in Tuscaloosa. I was a full time student at the University of Alabama and working part time. I was struggling some emotionally and financially. There were other things going on and I was just going through a rough time. I had been sick, so I had not worked as much the week before. I did not want to ask my parents for money so I was just going to make do until the next paycheck. It is possible to live off ramen noodles for a couple weeks.  I didn't share my financial status with anyone, but God knew. I was at my apartment one day after classes and I hear a knock on my door. I open the door and see the assistant manager with bags full of groceries and a big smile. Her name was Lorenda Ledbetter and I STILL think and pray about her often. That one act of kindness has stuck with me for years and years. I am sure it will always be with me. It was a big time of need for me and she filled that need. If she would have asked me if I needed anything, I would have told her "No." But God must have put it on her heart and I thank God that she listened and acted. 

My prayer for today is that we listen to our hearts and act on the desires that arise to help others. You really do not know the lasting effect that one act of kindness can have on somebody. 

Love you,

Melissa

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
— C.S. Lewis

Day 15 - Try, try again

Proverbs 24:16 "for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again, but the wicked stumble when calamity strikes."

Here lately during my sleep fast, I have been focusing on how much I have fallen. I spent my "God time" shopping on the internet, I stayed in bed 30 extra minutes, I got on facebook instead of the bible. None of those activities are bad and I know God is not disappointed in me or upset and pointing his finger saying "you are not following your fast like you said." But this is where the mind can keep you down and one can become discouraged. My mind starts pointing the finger saying "See, I knew you couldn't do it. You shouldn't even try anymore. You're a failure."  I like to call it "stinkin' thinkin'". Cole, my 5 year old son, uses the word HATE all the time. Usually at dinner, "I HATE that food". We tell him to not use the word HATE, use DISLIKE instead. But I can honestly say that I HATE stinkin' thinkin'. It keeps so many people down and discouraged and hopeless. It keeps us from living or even attempting to live our dreams. SOOOO I stopped the stinkin' thinkin' associated with my fast and replaced it with good thoughts. Just like Proverbs 24:16 says, "for though the righteous fall seven times, they rise again....". My focus is switching from the "falling" part, which leads to stinkin' thinkin' and I am chosing to focus on the "rising" part, which leads to hope.

I want to encourage all of you to silence your stinkin' thinkin' that says you can't, and hear the voice that says you are capable, you are worthy, you can do it!

Day 14 - a Vision

Todays reading is from Genesis 15. Here is vs. 1-6:

After this, the  word of the Lord came to Abram in a vision: "Do not be afraid, Abram. I am your shield, your very great reward." But Aram said, "O Sovereign Lord, what can you give me since I remain childless and the one who will inherit my estate is Eliezer of Damascus?" And Abram said, "You have given me no children; so a servant in my household will be my heir." Then the word of the Lord came to him: "This man will not be your heir, but a son coming from your own body will be your heir." He took him outside and said., "Look up at the heavens and count the stars-if indeed you can count them." Then he said to him, "So shall your offspring be." Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness.

Two things spoke to me about this passage. First, God spoke to Abram in a vision. I want a new vision from God.  I also want the strength to believe God about the vision and the strength to see it completed. It was many years before Abram had any children. During that time of waiting, there can be many doubts and questions and wondering if the vision were even from God. The second thing that spoke to me about this passage was verse 6, "Abram believed the Lord, and he credited it to him as righteousness." Abram didn't have to DO anything to be called righteous by God. He was righteous because he BELIEVED what God had told him. There are many religions, beliefs, denomination...whatever you want to call it....that say you have to "do" for God to get approval. I believe that we are already approved. John 3:16 starts out, "For God so loved the world..." God started out loving us, not because anything we did, but because who He is. I think once we really believe who God is and what he says, he does his own work through us. My prayer for today is that I put myself aside so he can do what he needs to do through me.

day 13 - honesty

When I began my "morning sleep fast" to focus more and God and be intentional about spending time with him, I wanted to blog just so I would keep it up. If I blog, I also want to be totally honest with my feelings as well. I have to say that I am losing my desire to get up and spend time with God. At the start of the fast, I was so excited and read with such expectation of hearing from God. I feel like my expectation has turned into just a routine to get the bible reading complete, write about something, be done. I'm not feeling that drive or motivation. This is what happens to me a lot when I feel like God telling me do do something. I start off really strong, but somewhere along the way I lose my drive. How do I not lose my motivation? What do you do when you lose your motivation? I guess my morning time has become more about the "routine" and less about the "relationship". God always wants it to be about our relationship with him and not our routine for him. Maybe I need to fast from fasting to get a better perspective :)


On a totally different note (but I guess not that different b/c I'm going to bring God in it), I have been reading Jane Austen's book, Emma. I am enjoying it so much. If you have never read it, there is a part in the book where Emma and the man she loves are letting each other know that they love each other. Neither knew how the other felt. There is a line where this gentleman (not naming names in case you have never  read it) when he is describing her:
        "He had ridden home through the rain; and had walked up directly after dinner, to see how this sweetest and best of all creatures, faultless in spite of all her faults, bore the discovery"

When you are in love, "faultless in spite of her/his faults" is a perfect way to describe how you feel. The problem is that over time, our focus becomes more and more on the faults. I want to pray for everyone in a relationship that you chose to look at the good qualities of your partner. I am so thankful for Mike. He is such an amazing man. Of course he has faults, as do I, but I want to chose to see him as "faultless in spite of his faults". I really feel that is how God looks at us. We see our faults and feel like God holds them against us. But God sees me as "faultless in spite of my faults".


Have a great day!
Melissa

Day 12 - Citizen - Superman

Forgive me God for not spending anytime with you this morning. I know you love me no matter what. Thank you for everything you do!! I love you.



So I spent my "God" time this morning all over the internet....shopping, on facebook..I did manage to spend about 1 minute reading over the devotional but them immediately went back to facebook stalking. Don't judge...I know you all have done it. Here are a couple websites I was on for awhile (besides facebook):


www.citizenyou.org

www.waitingforsuperman.com

Day 11 - Turn, Turn, Turn

Have you ever felt like God was saying something to you by giving you words throughout the day? It's like Jim Carrey in the movie "Bruce Almighty" when he is about to run off the road. He keeps asking God for a sign...and plenty are showing up...in street signs, on billboards, etc. Yesterday I noticed the word "season" all day long. I was reading something and "season" popped out. I went to work and was straightening the books in the hospital and noticed a book called "Changing Seasons". Several other times through out the day it popped in my head.

So today I read in Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, "For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under the sun.......a time to be born, and a time to die........a time to plant and a time to harvest........a time to cry and a time to laugh......" This is a good reminder that whatever struggles, situations, difficulties, hard times we are facing, they are just for a season. And seasons do change.

I hope you all find many things to appreciate about today, no matter what you are going through.

love you,
Melissa


PS: Zoe and her best friend Megan have started a blog as well. Check it out at
http://zoenmegan.blogspot.com

side note

So Mike and I are sitting here watching American Idol with Cole. Jackson is in the bath and Zoe is with her mom. One awesome contestant just got sent to Hollywood. Mike asked Cole, "Do you know where Hollywood is?" Cole pointed out the window and said, "It's down that street." Mike started laughing and said, "yes Cole, it is a long way down that street." Cole says, "See, I know!"

Day 10 - "How's that working for you?"

One can learn so much from their children. Here is a little look into  my crazy mornings:
        
 "Kids, wake up. It's time to get ready for school!"....10 minutes later..."Boys...get up now..you HAVE to get ready for school."....[take off covers]..."JACKSON, COLE GET UP NOW!!!!"....[insert cold washcloth on backs......insert screaming boys....insert screaming mom......insert cries from boys....insert prayer from mom for patience.........."ZOE, get out of the shower! 45 minutes is waaaaay to long"...."I didn't want that cereal....Jackson got more milk then me.....Cole's looking at me.......I can't find my socks....I gotta go poop....SCREAM, YELL, SCREAM, YELL!!!!


I hate screaming at the kids and it makes me feel terrible. I get so frustrated in the mornings, God has heard many prayers with cussing mixed in. I know the kids hate it to, who wouldn't. Nobody likes to be yelled at. I just lose patients when they are not doing what they are supposed to do. I've talked with Zoe and also the boys for that matter, about how much I really do not want to yell in the mornings. We have a prayer box in our living room that anyone in the family can insert a request. Zoe's prayer request is "easy school mornings". So the other day she and I were talking about what I could do to make it easier. I have tried getting the kids up earlier..(more time for the kids to procrastinate, more opportunities for me to scream)....I have tried getting myself totally ready before getting them up..(more opportunities to visualize all the procrastination, more opportunities to scream). So I asked what else I could do. She didn't have an answer for that question but what she said really spoke to me, "How's the screaming working for you?" What a smart girl! Well, HOW IS the screaming working for me...well the truth is that it is not. So why do we do things that are not effective? I have always heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. Well I was happy to find out that even though I scream every morning expecting different results, I am not insane. In fact, that is not the definition of insanity, it is just a quote from Albert Einstein. That got me looking at more Einstein quotes. Here are a few of my favorites:


     -We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them. 
     -A person starts to live when he can live outside himself.
     -Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character.
     -Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
     -The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
     -Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.




So, "Peace cannot be kept by force. ..." If I want peace in the house in the mornings.....and I do......force is not the answer. I need to maybe understand the kids better and their reasons for the procrastinating. I do not know exactly how to maintain peace every morning but I do know that I have 3 wonderful children. I know some day when they are away at college or have a wife/husband of their own, I will probably wish they were little again and miss the "screams" in a way......or maybe not.

Day 9 - "Wuv, true wuv"...name that movie...

The scripture for today on the www.awake21.org website is Romans 8:5-6:
         
"Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.  The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace."


The "Melissa translation" of that verse is this:


We all have an emptiness inside that can only be filled with God. If we try to fill it with things, people, places, food, etc, we are left feeling empty, depressed, anxious, sad, etc. But if we fill it with God, we are left feeling joy, peace, lovable, capable, hope, etc.


I was also came across 1 Thes. 5:23 in another book I am reading right now:


     "May God himself, the God of Peace, sanctify you through and through...."


According to dictionary.com, one of the definitions of "sanctify" means to "purify". So it is God that is doing the changing and the purifying in us and not ourselves. I think too many people try to "do" for God instead of letting God "do" through them. I visualize humans as being lamps. If we are plugged into the source of our light (the electricity from the socket), we shine and are actually a light in the world. I don't think that light shines to say "look at me, I am super spiritual, blah, blah, blah". It shines to encourage people, love people, accept people just the way they are. I feel like a  lot of people, are walking around, not plugged in, but "doing" for God. Unless God is shining through us, we are pretty dull and not that bright. 


Whatever we focus on gets bigger in our life. If the focus is on our problems; what we should have done, what we didn't do, what we did do, etc. those things grow bigger...at least in our minds. But if our focus is on God, then he gets bigger in our life. And who is God...God is love. OMG, I sound like a freaking hippy that has been smoking pot, talking about loving everyone. I'm getting on my own nerves!


Peace out :)
Melissa

Day 8 - It's all in the genes

I have to say today is another day that is hard to stay focused. I am a slave to my physical body. If it has needs, my mind is drawn towards that and away from any spiritual concerns.  Matthew 26:41 says, "the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." So much success, failure, value is placed on our physical self. Our entire quality of life can be based on that. I have had back pains before that take all focus away from anything and everything but the physical pain in my back. I then had a new appreciation for people that live and function on a daily basis that have chronic pain.

Today's reading was in Chapter 11 of Genesis. I got absolutely nothing from it. Most of it was about genealogy. I do wonder who those people were and why are they mentioned in the bible. What significance is the genealogy? Does the saying, "You have to know where you came from to know where you are going" apply to genealogy in the bible? I wonder if I did more research on the people that were named would I get a divine word from God? Some spiritual revelation to feed my spirit. Who knows.

On a totally different subject that is way off course....BUT, do you ever think about how much knowledge you do not know? I sometimes wonder if all the knowledge about every single thing in the world could be measured, what percent of knowledge do I know. Would it even be 1%. I had answered a question for Jackson or Cole the other day (can't remember which child I was talking to) and then they said, "What do you not know?" I told him "I do not know because I don't know it." Deep philosophical discussion with a child. It does make me want to learn more about things I don't know. Anytime a subject is brought up that I do not know anything about AND it sparks interest in me, I am going to do a little research and get more knowledge. I would like to get to 10% of knowing all things. I wonder if that is even possible.

Day 7 - No title...nothing is popping out

Good morning. I am a little more foggy brained this morning. I have to say the bed was feeling sooo good this morning! Forgive me if I ramble or get sidetracked. I have a couple things on my heart and millions in my head so I will try to stick to the things on my heart.

I was reading the day 7 devotional and was reminded that prayer really isn't about getting God to do something, it's just us believing God for who he is.  God is referred to as many names in the old testament.  Jehovah-Shammah - God is present; Jehovah-Rophe - God the healer; Jehovah-Jirah - God the provider; and many more. I don't think we need to pray for God to be present - He IS present. We don't need to pray to be accepted and love by God - He already does. We just have to believe. Jackson and Cole were playing video games one day and the both started screaming that they were hungry. "We want dinner; Can't we eat now?" I had already called them to the dinner table 5 minutes earlier but they were too distracted to hear me. Dinner was ready, on the table, already provided for them. I feel it is sort of like that with God. He has already provided for us, but we keep asking him because we can't see it.

The bible reading from the devotional is Matthew Ch. 4. The first thing that stuck out to me was verse 2-4, "After fasting 40 days and 40 nights, he was hungry." So that is quite an understatement.  Part of my fast was going to be a food fast on Sundays. I was going to have fruits all day but no food. Well to be honest, that lasted during breakfast. I had a hard time going one meal without food, I can't imagine going 40 days. Verse 3 continues, "The tempter came to him and said 'If you are the son of God....'" What sticks out about that is that he was being tempted by who he was. Anytime I begin to question who I am,  insecurity and fear set in. This is why I feel like it is so important to know who you are in God. I am fully loved (No matter if I did not go a day with out food). I am fully accepted (regardless of what I did or did not do). I have purpose for my life (even though I may not have direction right now).

Anyway, my brain is done. I hope you all have a wonderful day today and see all the beauty in today. I hope I do to :)
Melissa

Day 6 - Nimrod

As I was reading in Genesis Chapter 10 this morning, my mind began to wonder as it does so often. Basically Ch. 10 is about Noah's 3 sons and their sons and which sections of the world they migrated to after the flood. My mind first began to wonder when I began to think about Noah's grandsons and their wives. Their wives had to be either cousins or siblings. Yuk. There was no one else to marry. I get so distracted when I start analyzing things like that. I do that not only when I read the bible but basically....let's see...all the time! Mike was trying to teach me to play the guitar. I have no musical knowledge at all! He was trying to teach me the strings. I got distracted because there are 2 E strings. My argument was how will  I know which E to play when someone says"play the E string". If there are only 6 strings, why does there have to be 2 E's. Musicians are creative people, why did the first musician that "named" the strings not come up with another letter. That just doesn't make since to me. Mike very patiently tried to explain it to me and finally just gave up. I always want to analyze and know the "why's, how's , what's. etc."  See, I told you I have absolutely NO knowledge about music! So back to Noah and Genesis Chapter 10. After spending about 15 minutes thinking about the "kissing cousins", I got to verse 8 "Cush was the father of Nimrod, who grew to be a mighty warrior on the earth. He was a mighty hunter..".  My analyzing continued. I always thought when you called someone a "Nimrod",  you were insulting them. I had no idea I was actually calling my husband a "mighty warrior" that day. Just kidding :) So I then had to research word origin for Nimrod. The urban dictionary says that the negative nimrod possibly came from a Bugs Bunny episode from the 40's when Bugs Bunny refers to Elmore Fudd as "a poor little Nimrod". Here is a link http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=nimrod
Not that the urban dictionary is the most reliable source of factual information, but I found it interesting none the less. SOOOOOO, I always very thankful that God loves me and doesn't hold my "analyzing" against me. Thank you God!!!

PS: Does anyone know anything else about Nimrod or about E strings?

:)

Day 4 and 5

I am in Foley helping my mom move. I did not have internet connection yesterday so was unable to post. My mom has been very anxious about this move. Her focus was on all the "stuff" that had to be moved. I told her to change her focus. Instead of looking at the entire house and all that had to be done, focus on a room, or even better a drawer or cabinet in a room. Little by little it will all get done. When I was talking to her about it, it reminded me of when I was in bible school in Europe.  We had to do a lot of mountain climbing and hiking in the Alps. I would get so drained when I  looked at the huge mountain in front of me. I did not believe that I would be able to do it. Fear and doubt set in and made me want to give up. As I began hiking, I felt God say to me, "You don't have to climb the whole mountain, you just have to take one step." I remember I kept repeating that over and over in my head.....just take one step, just take one step. The result of course was the fact that I did climb the mountain. I just had to bring my focus in to all I really needed to do. I want to encourage anyone that is facing a "mountain", don't look at the huge image in front of you and begin to feel defeated. Just take one step at a time.

Day 3 - blah-g post

I love the days when I read the bible and the words pop out and speak to me. Day 1 and 2 were both like that. Today there is no inspiration, nothing pops out, nothing is speaking to me. It is in these times that I can question God and easily think "where are you?"Maybe God is speaking, just speaking through silence...if that makes sense.  I remember when I was at the beach during Fall break. I had been through a rough few months. I was not "feeling" God.  Things had been so silent for quite awhile. I guess I had been a little depressed and not hearing/feeling God made things worse. I went walking early one morning with Mike along the beach. I remember looking out at the waves and noticing their beauty. I then looked at the shells on the sand and noticed their beauty. I began to thank God for all the beauty he floods on us. He was still silent, but I heard so much that morning. Psalm 46:10 says "Be still, and know that I am God." NO matter what situations you are facing or what stress may be going on in your life, I want to encourage you all to just "be still" and look for all the beauty around you. In today's devotional from the www.awake21.org website it says, "When we pray and fast, we don't do so to change God or His will, by praying and fasting, we are the ones changed." I do believe that anytime we draw near to God, it is not God that changes, it is us...even if we draw near and it is silent.

Day 2 - Distraction

I had many calls and comments about if I was fasting from all food for 21 days. That is not what I chose to do for the fast. I will be working and did not even want to try to go without food that long and continue to work. The neat thing about a fast is that it's not really important WHAT you fast, I believe the important thing is setting aside time to focus on God. I chose to fast from sleep. I'll explain. Mike gets up between 4:20 and 4:30 to get ready for work. I do not. I get to stay in my warm bed for another hour or hour and a half. So I chose to give up that sleepy time to focus on God. The hard part for me so far (yes, this is only day 2) has not been getting up, but the focus part. I realize how hard it is for me to keep this time with just the focus on God. For example, this morning I get up, sit down at my chair and begin to pray for this time for me to be able to hear or feel God. All I felt was the dog rubbing up against my leg to go outside. So I continue to pray and let God know this is His time and I am focusing on him...as I am walking outside to put the dog in the fence. I sit back down to continue "God's time" and I realized I did not turn the dishwasher on  last night so there will be no cereal bowls for the kids. Shoot. So I continue to pray for "focus" as I am putting the dish detergent into the dishwasher. I come back to my chair and hear Max scratching at the door to come inside....can't a dog sit outside in 19 degree weather for 10 minutes? The answer is NO. So the FOCUS has been the real issue. It can be very challenging to put everything aside and listen to God.

I finally was able to look at the daily devotional that is on the awake21.org website. Today's verse is from John 10:27, "My sheep hear my voice and I know them, and they follow me." The suggested reading was Genesis Ch. 8. The first sentence stuck out so much to me, "But God remembered Noah...".  Imagine being in a storm for months, not knowing when the storm will end or when you will be able to get out. Imagine how rough it was for Noah and his family. All those animals! I just have one dog to keep me distracted, imagine all the animals that would have kept Noah distracted. And the smell in the ark!! Yuk. I think the hardest part would be the not knowing when it would end. I have gone through things in live and questioned God and questioned if He even hears me. But His word says he does. Got remembered Noah and He remembers us in our storms also. Someone remind me of that the next "storm" I am going through. It's easy for me right now to think about that because things are calm. But I will need a reminder during the next storm.

Day 1 - learning to listen

Today is the start of the 21 day fast with my church. Not a fast to get forgiveness from God or get God to do something, but a fast to get "see" God better. I truly believe that God does not change. He is always right with us to guide, protect, encourage, etc. It is our own view that changes. Sometimes I do not "feel" God but I realize that is my perspective and not the reality. It becomes my reality but it is not God's reality. So I began this fast with the intentions of seeing and hearing God better. Changing my perspective to match His reality. There are so many situations where if I would just open my eyes or my heart, I could see God. I choose to focus on other things instead and live from my perspective rather then God's.  The verse for the start of the fast is from Joel 2:12:

"Even now," declares the Lord, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting and weeping and mourning."

I was reading in Genesis 7 about God telling Noah to build the ark and put the animals in. Verse 5 says, "And Noah did all that the Lord commanded him."  I was amazed at that because Noah heard God and obeyed. If it were me, I would have drowned. I first would have doubted if it was really God speaking. I would have analyzed it to death and convinced myself I was part crazy and that it was not really God speaking. God speaks to us all today. But do we hear? I pray we all open our ears to hear what God is saying. Sometimes I wish God sent emails or Facebook posts, but knowing myself, I am sure I would again analyze it and convince myself that it was not God speaking.

As I first began reading, it came to me to start a blog about my thoughts and feeling during the fast. It will make me accountable in the fact that I will have to blog each day. Was it inspiration from God telling me to blog or my own desires....not sure...but I know I do not want to analyze every idea to the point of inactivity. The bible says in John 10:3 that "The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep recognize his voice and come to him." I want to recognize God's voice and follow it. I want to stop the constant questioning and analyzing. I want to learn to be like Noah and do "all that the Lord commanded", instead of "drowning".
For more info about fasting, visit www.awake21.org